The Play that has no meaning
by Miss C Riddle
Summary: Me,Friends,Boredom,equals This. relating twilight, harry potter, terminator, teletubbies, doctor who, pirates of the carribean, LOTR, and more, but not necessarily in that order : Please Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

**Me and my friend Marita were bored, the result of our boredom... A Random Spoof that has no plot what-so-ever.**

The play that has no meaning what-so-ever

Cast (in order of appearance)

M=Marita

E= Edward

J= Jacob

C= Charlotte (me)

G= God= (Marita)

J.S= Jack Sparrow

K9= K9

D= Doctor (10th)

H.P= Harry Potter

A= Alice

T= Terminator

TT= Telly Tubby

D.L= Dark Lord Voldemort

D.I= Director (Me)

B= Bella

D.E= Devil

G.D= Gandalf

M.E= Merlin

Scene 1- The dogish-wolfish-shapeshifterish scene. Featuring vampires and a whole lode of other stuff

_Song- 'Jacob Black' by Mitch Hanson Band _

(**M** and **E** enter and start singing)

**M and E:** (sing) You're nothing but a dog

Nothing but a dog (performing air guitars)

(While singing is going on, **J** enters)

**J:** But I'm a wolf!

(**C** magically appears)

**C:** No, you're a shapeshifter. Get it right! God, people these days.

(Dramatic entrance with voice from nowhere)

**G:** Yes, what about them?

**C:** God? You exist? I've never believed before.

**G:** What?! You've never believed in your best friend, Marita, I mean God?! Shame on you.

(Voice stops)

**E:** Well, that was… interesting.

**J:** Anyways, where were we?

**M:** You guys were arguing… as usual.

**C:** Ah yes… you're not a wolf, you're a shapeshifter! And no, I don't want to talk to God.

**G:** But…

**M:** Shut up… who's making that noise… oh it's me.

(In background **J** and **E** arguing)

**J:** At least I'm not dead!

**E:** At least I know what I am!

**M:** Guys… build a bridge and get over it!

**J:** Hey, shut up shorty!

**M: **Hey, (stares pointedly at **E**) I'm not that short!

(**E** picks **M** up)

Who's short now, you…you… (whisper) what's a good name? THING!

**C:** Shut up guys. (Turns to **J**) You're a shapeshifter. Get it into your tiny brain!

**M:** Well, that's better than me… I have empty space!

(Walking drunkenly across the stage, enters **J.S**)

**J.S:** Why is the rum always gone?

**J:** Look it's Jack Sparrow.

**J.S:** CAPTIN Jack Sparrow to you… you… thing!

**J:** Why am I always the thing?... I'm like… the tin dog!

(Enters **K9**)

**K9:** Negative, I am the tin dog.

**J.S:** K9, you escaped the Doctor with the rum?

**K9:** Affirmative master!

**J.S:** Let's set sail me hearty and capture more rum!

(They leave)

(From other side enters **D**)

**D:** Have you seen a tin dog anywhere?

(All point a **J**)

**J:** (waving) I'm over here.

**D:** No, not you… you… thing!

**J:** Why me, God… why me?

**G:** I dunno, I'm on vacation you…thing.

**J:** Look, I'm not a dog or a thing. I'm a wolf! For God's sake!

**G:** Leave me alone, I'm on vacation!

**D:** Just tell me where the tin dog went!

**M:** (pointing) He went that way… (pointing other way) or was it that way… I dunno, he left with some dude called Jack Sparrow.

**J.S:** (from off stage) CAPTIN!

(**D** runs off)

(While all this was going on, **H.P** has been standing at the side watching)

**H.P:** Dudes, you need to sort you lives out. You are all in serious denial.

(All stare at **H.P**)

**E:** (whisper) When did he get there?

**H.P:** I've been here all the time.

**All:** What???

**H.P:** Right, let's sort this out: Jacob, you're a shapeshifter.

**J:** But…

**C:** (laugh) In your face!

**J:** Shut it.

**H.P:** Charlotte, hate to break it to you but… you're a witch.

**C:** Yes, get in there!

**H.P:** Edward…

**E:** (in background) He knows my name! He's been invading my privacy!

**H.P:** You're a fairy, dancing fairy.

**E:** What!!!!

(**A** appears)

**A:** What about me?

**H.P:** Hum… you're a pixie.

**A:** That rules!

(**A** disappears)

**M:** Hey, hello, down here! What about me?

(**H.P** looks down)

**H.P:** You're a midget…

**M:** A what? (Pointedly looks at **E**)

(**E **sighs and picks her up)

Ha, in your face!

**H.P:** Look, I know you don't like me…

**M:** (unconvincingly) I didn't say that.

**H.P: **But you were thinking it.

**M:** (whisper) I don't like this guy, he reads minds.

**E:** Hey, that's my job!

(**T** enters)

**T:** I've been sent to from the future to terminate a tin dog, have you seen it?

(Everyone looks at **J**)

(**J** waves)

**C:** You can shoot him.

**T:** Have you got anything else?

(**TT** enters)

**T:** That'll do.

**TT:** Is this the set for revenge of…

(**T** shoots it)

(**TT** dies)

**T:** I'll be back

(**T** exit)

**J:** I still think I'm a wolf.

**H.P:** Look, (starts pulling things from his pocket) here's all the evidence you need.

**M:** How did you get all that in there?

**H.P:** Time Lord Tec Limited.

**G:** Buy one get one free, batteries not included.

**D:** (stick head round side of stage, holding rum) Yeah, taught him everything he knows.

**H.P:** (glares at **D**) almost everything!

(**D.L** approaches)

_Music- Starwars_

**D.L:** Wrong tune guys!

_Music- Phantom of the Opera_

**D.L**: Still the wrong tune!

**D.I:** (off stage) Look, we're working on a cheap budget! It's all gong towards paying you lot!

**All:** We're not getting paid!

**D.I:** About that… I'll explain later.

(**D.L** enters, doors bang open, hit the walls, rebound and hit **D.L** in the face)

**D.L:** Ouch, my nose!

(**M** turns round)

**M:** (laugh) Baldly!

**D.L:** Silence, I kill you!

(Slow motion)

(**D.L** fires spell)

(**H.P **pushes **J** in front of **M**)

(**J** grabs **H.P**, **H.P** grabs **E** and they all fall over but **E** gets hit)

(**E** lies on floor, not moving)

(**B** enters)

**B:** Nooo! Edward!!!!

**E:** (raises head) Shut up Bella, I'm over you (then goes back to being dead).

**G:** I thought I sent you to hell?

(**D.E** enters)

**D.E:** You did, she escaped, I'll get her…

(Both run of stage)

(Lots of banging)

_Music- 'Birdie Song'_

(**M** bends over **E**)

**M: **He's not quite dead… wait, he was already dead!

_Song- 'Already Dead' by Mitch Hanson Band (lots of dancing throughout) _

**D.L:** Don't ignore me! I'm too cool!

**M:** No, not even close, baldy!

**C:** Surely, it should be Mouldy Voldy Shorts.

**J:** Or maybe Voldly Pants

(**J.S** runs across stage holding rum and stops)

**J.S:** Or maybe even…

(**D** runs on and grabs rum, then runs off)

Hey that's my rum!

(Lights fade)

End of scene

Scene 2- The scene that we don't have a name for but… who listens to this anyway?

**J:** Guys, this sucks, I'm leaving.

(Leaves)

**J:** (from off stage) I'm a WOLF!

**All:** Shapeshifter!

(**G.D** enters)

**G.D:** (taking to himself) Which is better cheese or fish?

I think cheese

I think fish

But cheese smells nicer

Not when it's blue cheese

(Walks along muttering to himself)

(Everyone stares)

**M:** I don't like this guy, he talks to himself.

**C:** Hey, that's my job!

(Everyone stares dramatically at her)

**C:** What? What did I do? Do I have something on my face?

M: (sarcastically) Yeah, it's called skin.

**E:** Slowly back away from Charlotte.

**G.D: **(still talking to himself) Sweets for sale

No there isn't

Sweets for sale

No there isn't

Shut up, I'm trying to get us money

No you're not

Shut it

(Wonders off stage)

**M:** Who was that guys?

**All:** (stare dramatically) You don't know?

**M:** Course I don't, I'm the Blonde Village Idiot Midget!

(**M** pointedly stares at **E**)

(**E** sighs and lifts her up, again)

Right, now I'm not midget anymore, tell me.

**C:** It's Grindelward, the wise dude from Lord of the Rings.

**E:** No it's not, it's Gandelford.

**G:** NOT IT ISN'T! IT'S GANDALF!!!!

**All:** Ohhh.

**C: **(trips) Oh, Merlin's stinky socks!

(**M.E** magically appears)

**M.E:** Alas, earwax (digging his fingers into his ears) and no stinky socks. But there is fish and cheese!

**G.D:**(head pops out) Did someone say fish and cheese?

**M.E:** As a matter a fact, I did.

**E:** Well, who's that then?

(Everyone gasps and stares at **E**)

**M:** You don't know who that is?

**C:** That's Merlin!

**M.E:** You called?

**E:** Shut up, everyone knows Merlin died before I was born and that's saying something.

**M:** Do you use some sort of cream cause your skin is keeping well for your age?

**E:** Well, I thought I was a vampire but that boy (said with loathing) says I'm a dancing fairy so I don't know what to think anymore!

**M:** BLONDE CONFUSED MOMENT!!!

**C:** No, life Marita. Confused life.

(Lights fade)

End of scene

Scene 3- The Midget goes psycho

(Everyone from all other scenes, apart from **T** and **M**, chatting)

**J:** What you doing tonight?

**E:** I was gonna see a game of baseball.

**J:** Cool, can I come?

**E:** Sure

**J:** Really?

**E:** No

(**M** runs on with machine gun)

**M:** You all make me proper confused! Aghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Shoots everyone)

(**M** sits looking at her handiwork)

(**T** enters)

**M:** (tries to shoot **T**) Hey, this thing won't work! (Turns it round to face her and pulls trigger) (gun goes off) oh dear.

(**M** dies)

(**TT** enters)

**TT:** Is this the set for revenge of the revenge of…

(**T** shoots **TT**)

**T:** I said I' be back

(Shoots camera)

THE END

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


	2. Chapter 2

The Play in which Randomness ensues  
Cast (in order of appearance):  
C: Charlotte

M: Marita

E: Edward

MD: Master (from Doctor Who)

D: Doctor (10th)

DM: Draco Malfoy

HP: Harry Potter

J: Jacob

R: Rosalie

D.I: Director

Scene 1: Chatting with a broken record And Other stuffs...Song - Sick and Tired by Anastasia All: "I've always been sick and tired, ba bada da bada da dalalee"

C: Do you know what? I'm tired... And when I'm not tired I'm sick, I am sick and tired and do you know what else...? I need to stop talking to myself...

M: Hey char, what you up to?

C: Talking to myself again

M: Oh. You having fun?

C: Nope, I just got into a bit of an argument with myself again...

M: Cool, I remember sweets for sale and cheese and fish when Gandalf was here last... classic

C: Yeah... I hate clothes shopping, no we don't, YES we DO! No we DON'T! YESSS WE BLOODY DOOO! Ok, ok, ok calm down...

(E enters)

E: She does this a lot doesn't she?

M: Yup, and I like encouraging her. (turns to charlotte) We'll go clothes shopping tomorrow.

Music- Titanic

C:NOOOOO!

C: Don't! You'll kill me, like, permanently, like, like, like, like... (carries on in broken record mode)

E: SHUT UP!

C: Like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... (carries on in broken record mode)

(everyone starts to go more insane than before)

M: AHH! Confused moment! What the hell is going on and who stole my machine gun! AHH! Blonde midget confused...

(M starts to stare pointedly at E)

(E picks M up)

M: Not a midget, but still confused, my poor empty space...!

C: No, no, no... ok I'm done now!

E and M: FINALLY!

(Awkward silence)

(Master from DW appears)

MDW: So, guys, when did you first realize you were insane? I remember going insane when I was eight, I was friends with the doctor at the time you see...

(DW voice from off-stage): I heard that!

C: I realized I was insane when I met Marita

(MDW looks at M who is silent)

M: What? Oh! I've always been insane since I was in my mummy's tummy.

E: I went insane when I was forced to join this series of spoofs...

MDW: Great, sounds like everyone is happy!

(M smiles, C starts humming a random tune and E glares at them all and puts M down again)

M: Hey, I was comfy sitting on your shoulder!

E: Yeah, well... I don't care, so, there!

(DM enters)

DM: Your hair looks weird, even more so than Potter's...

(HP from off-stage): I heard that!

DM(shouts): Yeah, well I don't care, so there.

(HP off stage): I'll get you later Malfoy... I know where you sleep!

M and C: BURN! (Imitates whip lash sounds unsuccessfully)

E: FAIL!

(M&C glare at E)

M: Yeah well, you sparkle and no one likes you!

C: BURN!

DM: Shut up! You're stealing my lime light! (whines like a little kid)

C: You shut up, you little -

DM: My father will hear about this!

M: Edward get rid of the weird blondie I don't like him...

(All stare at M)

C: I thought you were the only weird blondie here...

M: GIT! Just cause I beat you at bench ball... Edward take away the boy who is like a ... what's a good word... thing!

(J enters)

J: I thought I was the thing.

C: Go away you shapeshifter, dude, you, and take blondie with you.

(J shrugs and moves towards M)

C: Not that blondie! The other one!

(J picks up DM and walks off whistling "Jacob Black" under his breath)

M: Lets rock out dudes!

(M starts singing)

All:

You're nothin' but a dog,

Nothin' but a dog,

Nothin' but a dog,

And it's time for you to face the truth.

(bad air guitar imitations and singing as the lights fade)

Scene 2: Sarcastic Comments

R: (looking in mirror) Ahh look at me. I am so B-E-A-UTIFUL!

M: Hey wanna hear some blonde jokes?

R: No thanks

M: Well you're going to anyway:

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces," she moans. "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home later, takes one look at the table, and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

R: But I can't eat cornflakes

M: Why do I bother?

J: Did I hear someone telling blonde jokes?

M: Yeah, me!

J: But you're a...

M: OH MY GOD! I'M A BLONDE!

C: (magically appears) Well done Captain Obvious

M: Thank you Lieutenant Sarcasm

J: So do any of you know how to drown a blonde?

M: Yeah, put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool. Damn! I insulted myself again!

E: What about an immortal blonde?

M: Can't help you there... Damn, and again!

R: I'm off to find some proper mirrors, unlike the moldy swimming pool ones. (exits)

E: I can't believe she actually went into the swimming pool...

M: Well, she is blonde. Damn, I need to stop this!

(D.I enters)

D.I: So what's with the crummy scenery guys?

All: You're the director, you tell us why!

D.I: Erm...I...Erm...I... Low budget!(runs off)

Scene 3: The midget goes brunet

(everyone from all scenes on apart from M)

All: (Chatting)

(M enters, dyed hair brown)

M: Now look, I'm not blonde anymore I can make as many blonde jokes as I like!

(Others turn around, holding water guns and wearing masks)

(WATER FIGHT- directed at M)

M: (dye drips off her) You evil, not fair!

R: Ha, no more blonde jokes for you!

M: This has gotta be a conspiracy...

The End

*clap clap*

*woop woop*


	3. Chapter 3

The play in which glitches occur

Cast (in order of appearance)

M=Marita

C=Charlotte

E=Edward

Scene 1 - An Unexpected Situation

(Walls closing in on M, C and E)

M: I feel a song coming on...

Song- 'Under Pressure' by Queen (E not singing)

C: Come on Eddie

M: Weddie, Weddie, Weddie

C: Shut up. Come on Eddie, get into the song

E: (reluctantly sings) Under Pressure...(All sing)

(Walls move closer in - all stop singing)

E: So, how did we get into this situation exactly?

M: Well...(Lights fade)

(End of scene)

Scene 2 - A little magical glitch that caused a big problemo

(Flashback starts)

M: (sing) Flash! Ahhhhh! By Queen = AMAZING!

(All look at M)

M: What? (shrugs) Just keep skipping, just keep skipping, just keep skipping, skipping, skipping. What do I do? I skip, skip, skip!

(M grabs C and E's hands and skips with them. E is not happy)

C: Guys, I'm about to...

(All disappear and reappear outside NASA)

C: Apparate

M: Oh Sugar Honey Iced Tea!

E: You idiot!

M: Hey, that's me!

C: It's not my fault I'm half witch and have magical glitches!

E: Look, I'm just trying to blame someone!

M: Yeah, well, you're a dancing fairy and no one likes your dances! So ner... (sticks tongue out at him)

(M and C laugh. C grabs M's shoulders to stay standing and they all apparate... again. Arrive in a spaceship)

C: Oh...

E: Oh, is that all you have to say? Oh!

C: Pretty much...

(Silence)

C: Eddie, have you always been sparkly?

E: No

M: Do you remember dying your hair blonde?

E: No!

C: Would you go out with Carlisle?

E: NO!

C: Me thinks you protest too much...

M: Is that the only thing you say? No?

E: No!

M and C: I knew it!

M: Hey, guys, what's this button do?

(M points to a blue button)

E: (Shrugs) I dunno

C: Well, what does this button do?

(C points to a green button)

E: Girls, don't press the buttons!

(M and C randomly press lots of buttons and mess with spaceship controls)

(The spaceship shoots away from NASA and crashes into the moon)

M and C: (pointing at each other) It was her!

M: No really it was Charlotte!

C: Liar! It was you!

E: Idiots! Why do I bother?

M and C: You don't!

(Walls close in an inch)

C: What did you press?

M: The purple self-destruct button

(M hums to herself, unaware of what she just did)

(C and E look at each other in horror)

C: ... WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

E: I won't

C: Shut up fairy boy

M: What does the yellow button do?

C: NOO! Don't press that!

M: (whines) Pleeeeease

C and E: NO!

M: Stuff you then (goes away muttering)

M: Now I know how charlotte feels when she is plotting... I like it, I like it a lot

C: Do you think we were too hard on her?

E: No

C: MARITA! He's doing it again!

E: What?

M and C: No-ing!

M: Bored of plotting. I shall rejoin you!

E: (sarcastically) Yay!

(End of scene)

Scene 3 - The Midget goes flying

(flash forward)

M: And that's how we got into this situation...

(Walls move in more)

E: And it's all your fault!

M: My fault? She (pointing at C) apper-thingyed in the wrong place!

C: But YOU pressed the self-destruct button

M: It's not my fault, I'm the Blonde Village Idiot Midget!(M stares pointedly at E)

E: No, you're gonna get us all killed... well, not me

M: Shut up fairy boy!

C: You know? We really need to get out of here

M: What's the red button do?

C and E: NOOOOO!

C: You don't just press the big red button!

M: I know, I know, I know... You slam it!

(M slams the button. Seat ejects and the Midget goes flying...)

THE END

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


	4. Chapter 4

The play in which x = 12

Cast (in order of appearance)

M= Marita

E= Edward

C= Charlotte

A= Ashleigh (guest star)

Scene 1 - A person appears

M: (Lands on sofa) Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

E: I see you arrived

(M looks back a fourth between E and C, confusedly)

M: When did you get here? I thought you died?

C: Oh Eddie used his super strength the he 'forgot' he had then flew home

M: How did YOU get back?

C: I grabbed on to his ankle

(E looks annoyed at C and M is confused, as usual)

(A runs in singing)

Song- 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen

(A grabs laptop and opens MyMaths)

E: I can't handle another one of you (shoves A into the corner) DON'T come near me!

(A sits there typing in the awkward silence)

A: x = 6!

E: Shut up!

M: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're trying to find something to annoy Eddie

(Lights fade)

End of scene

Scene 2- The name game

M: I know, let's play a name game. Eddie's name is now Edwardo.

C: Eddieweddie

20 minutes later...

M: Weddieeddy

C: Edwed

M: Eddieoly

E: SHUT THE HELL UP OKAY!

(Silence for 2 seconds)

M: Fish Boy

C: Why Fish Boy?

M: He likes fish

E: No I don't

M: Yes you do

E: No I...

M: (cuts him off) YES YOU DO!

E: Okay, okay, I like fish and I am Fish Boy

A: x = 19

E: SHUT UP

C: Slug Man

M: Captain Underpants

E: This is where I draw the line, okay!

M: Do you want a pen?

E: Why, thank you. (Draws a line on the floor) See? This line here!

C and M: Old Man!

(E glares in silence)

A: x = 19!

(Lights fade)

End of scene

Scene 3- The Midget goes destroyer

A: 5 questions to go and x =... 19... again?

M: Shut up already! I know we've been friends since we were tiny but I still, and always will, HATE MyMaths!

(Awkward silence)

A: x = 10

(Silence while A types happily)

E: What's wrong with that girl?

C: It's Ashleigh

E: That explains a lot

A: Done!

M: Finally!

A: Now we mark it... I ... I got them all wrong!

(A starts crying)

M: Ha ha ha LOSER!

A: I have to do them all again now!

M: NOOOO!

(Slow motion: M jumps towards laptop and misses. M stares pointedly at E. E throws M towards laptop.)

M: (Battle cry) Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

(M grabs laptop and smashes it against E's head. E just stands there looking annoyed)

E: Now I know why so many laptops don't work around here

M: Yeah, I win!

The End

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


	5. Chapter 5

The play in which people are generally awesome

Cast (in order of appearance)

M= Marita

E= Edward Cullen

C= Charlotte

P= Person at bowling ally counter

J.C= Jackie Chan

Scene 1- Annoying Eddie

M: 

E: (warily) What?

M: Do you dye your hair?

E: No

C: Are you sure?

E: No... Wait

M: Are you a veggie?

E: No! I mean yes... I mean I dunno

C: Did you get those clothes from Alice?

E: NO!

M: Have you won any awards for your 'cleverness' recently?

E: No (looks sad)

C: What are we gonna do today?

E: No! I mean, bowling. You can't cause trouble there, right?

M and C: Nooooo (looks shiftily from side to side) (gasp) We got the no disease!

(Lights fade)

End of scene

Scene 2- Hi - Ya! (Kung-Fu Kick)

Half an hour later...

(E running with C hanging on)

M: Wait up guys! (Painting) I'll be there in an hour... make it 2.

(E sighs, runs back and grabs M)

M: (Whilst being carried) Woop! This is cool!

E: (Talking to P) 2 people please

M: (Whose head is below the top of the counter) Hello? What about me?

P: Oh is that your younger sister? Awwwww

M: Don't patronize me!

P: How does a little girl know a big word like that?

M: (Talking like she is talking to a 5 year old) Because this little girl is 13.

P: (Talking to E) How can you let your daughter speak like that?

E: (Offended) You think I would bring up something like that?

P: Then who is she?

M: The name's Lanceley. Marita Lanceley.

P: OH MY GOD! It's the Blonde Village Idiot Midget! Please go through! (Runs away)

M: See, it pays to have me around

C: Actually we get in free

M: Fine. Ruin my big moment

(M, E and C walk through to find shoes)

M: (Looking on shelf) They don't have my size!

E: Midget

M: (Glaring) You're gonna regret that!

E: No I won't

M: I'll kill you!

E: It won't work

M: Shut up, it makes me feel better

C: Well, we do have our ways

E: Like what? (has flash back over all other spoofs) Okay, okay, okay don't kill me!

M: Erm... I'll just disguise the shoes I'm wearing (looks shiftily around)

20 minutes later...

(E is loosing... badly)

C: How can you not be winning? You're a super vampire...

M: Fish Boy

C: And you can't even win at bowling!

M: (Mumbling) Bet he can't catch a fish either

E: Can to

M and C: Can not

E: Stupid Midget and her witchy friend

(M and C high-five each other)

M: (steps up to bowl) This is going to be good. (Picks up ball) Whoa, this is heavy (bowls)

(Then somehow (not entirely sure how) M gets wrapped around the bowling ball)

(E bursts out laughing)

C: (Gasps) This is the first time he's laughed not sarcastically!

(E stops)

C: (Groan) Ohhhhh

M: (Trying to disentangle herself) Erm, guys, a little help here!

E: Charlotte, is it your turn?

M: Guys...

C: Yes, I think so

M: Guys! Over here NOW!

(E cracks up again)

(J.C enters)

C: OMG! It's Jackie Chan!

M: Hi -Ya!

Song- 'Kung-Fu Fighting' by Carl Douglas

End of scene

Scene 3- The Midget tells awesome jokes... for once

M: Hey, how does Jackie Chan greet his friends?

E and C: (exasperatedly) How?

M: Hi-Ya!

(E and C find it hilarious)

J.C: (indignantly) But I say hello to my friends

M: What's his favourite drink?

E and C: (in between laughs) What?

M: Wa-Ta!

(E and C still laughing)

J.C: I don't even say wa-ta like that!

M: Last one! What's his favourite food?

(E and C can't stop laughing)

M: Pork-Chop!

(E and C collapse laughing!)

J.C: But I like lamb chops!

M: Shut up!

(M jumps up, turns in the air, stops suspended in mid-air then kicks J.C in the face)

(J.C falls down, unconscious)

M: (To the camera) He was laughing on the inside

The End

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


	6. Chapter 6

The play in which nothing makes sense

Cast (in order of appearance)

M=Marita

C=Charlotte

E=Edward Cullen

D.I=Director

J=Jacob Black

Scene 1- Oh My God! It's Knowledge!

M: Oh my god!

C: What?

M: 1 + 1 = 2!

E: Well done (clapping sarcastically)

C: Oh my God, I have a feeling something really random is going to happen today

Song- 'I Gotta Feeling' by The Black Eyed Peas

E: No there isn't

C: (in the background) He's no-ing!

M: You just wait fairy boy

E: Oh yeah? What you gonna do about it midget? Slap me?

M: Yeah!

E: You can't reach and I'd run!

M: Charlotte would just apper-thingy after you!

(E runs and starts running out of breath)

E: (painting) I haven't run in a while, these damn spoofs!

M: (grabbing C) Apper-thingy Charlotte! Go!

C: (irritated) It's called apperating

M: I don't care, just go!

C: (under her breath) I didn't go to magic school for you to insult me

(M and C apper-thingys above E, C drops M on top of E and M starts slapping him)

M: (after she's finished slapping E) Charlotte...

(C apper-thingys, grabs M and E and apper-thingys back)

C: I feel so under appreciated

M: Huh? What? Charlotte can you apper-thingy to the Co-Op please?

C: No

M: (gasps dramatically) You're becoming like Eddie!

C: What do you mean?

M: You're no-ing!

C: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (pause)

(E looks insulted)

C: No! I have to stop... No I did it again... and again... okay, I'll go!

M: (looking too innocent) Thank you

(C apper-thingys to the Co-Op, picks up a dictionary and some chocolates, then apper-thingys back)

M: Ooooooo a dictionary? What is this?

C: I don't know

M: (gasps dramatically) You said...

E: (interrupting) Wrong type of know

M: Oh... oh no... arghhhh I said no! (stands at the side, mumbling variations of no)

C: So what is the difference between know and no?

E: I don't know! Look in the dictionary! It's what it's for!

C: Well my know says:

1. To hold information

2. To be certain about something

3. To realize something

4. To comprehend something

5. To have encountered somebody or something before

6. To recognise differences

7. To identify somebody or something by characteristic

E: Well my no is better it says:

1. A type of Japanese drama...?

2. To indicate a negative response

3. To acknowledge a negative statement

4. To indicate disbelief

M: (comes back over) Hey guys, I've stopped saying THE word

C: What word?

(M points at E)

C: Oh, THAT word

(E looks insulted... again)

E: I thought you guys were meant to like me in these spoofs?

M and C: Fat chance

(E goes to side and starts banging his head on the wall)

M and C: Awww, poor little misunderstood Eddie

E: I heard that! Angst, angst, angst (banging head on the wall)

(Lights Fade)

End of Scene

Scene 2- Interlude - What the stars do in their break

D.I: Guys, that's a rap!

M: What's it got in it?

D.I: Very funny

M: I was being serious, I want my food

(Everyone is laughing at M)

(D.I secretly sneaks away)

D.I: Ha ha ha, and they don't know I'm filming them

(Back to the stars)

E: (talking to J) Hey, I think our band should do a music video

J: Yeah

C: You guys have a band?

J: Yeah, it's actually really good

E: But we have to pretend we hate each other. It's part of the image

C: (really dramatically!) But you have to follow the character's code that the author laid down!

E: The code is more like guide lines anyway

M: Charlotte, just shut up

C: Okay

M: Go away and talk to yourself again

C: (under her breath) Always telling me what to do

M: It's for your own good

E: Since when did you turn responsible?

M: I'm not. She was just annoying me

E: Phew! I thought you were turning like me then

M: If I was like you I'd have to be no-ing... a lot... OH MY GOD, I'm no-ing!

C and E: Not this again! (gasp) We're talking at the same time! And again! And again! Shut up!

M: Erm guys? What happened to my wrap?

D.I: And that's a rap... not food

(Lights fade)

End of Scene

Scene 3- The Midget goes assassin (because of food)

(M is abandoned and is by herself)

M: (spots some ninja clothes) Hummm... I could be a ninja and get that wrap

_Song- 'Mission: Impossible' _

(M starts doing secret ninja rolls on the floor)

M: (while rolling) Yeah, I'm getting good at this.

(M then rolls straight into the wall)

(M looks up and sees a monster standing over her)

M: OH MY *BEEP*ING GOD! What is this hideous monster? Oh, it's Eddie...

E: Hey I didn't even dress up!

M: I get scared of your normal face

E: All those anti-wrinkle creams for NOTHING!

(E runs off crying)

M: Aww poor Eddie... Oh well

(M carries on being ninja and crashing into things)

(M then tries to do a really dramatic roll... and ends up in a cupboard)

M: Let me out! Let me out!

(The door opens and M sees a hideous monster)

M: Keep me in! Keep me in!... Wait a minute, I only know one person that hideous... Eddie!

E: (turns up behind M) Hey, I found that wrap!

M: (distracted) Oooo, what's it got in it? Hold on, if your there, then who's... that?

(Monster smiles)

M: Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (starts running away)

(Monster apper-thingys after M)

(E just stands there, eating the wrap)

M: Hey! That's my WRAP! (Sees monster, carries on running, and screaming)

M: (coming to a stop) Wait an incey, wincey, nail biting moment. That monster is apper-thingy-ing. I only know one person who can apper-thingy... CHARLOTTE!

C: (is the monster) Yeeees? How can I help you?

M: You could off at least help me get the wrap off Eddie, instead of planning with him to scare me!

C: But, I didn't know he wanted the wrap

M: Yeah, yeah. What about the monster-thingy?

C: It's a Halloween costume

M: How come Eddie wasn't scared?

C: He looks at his face every morning

M: Well, I still want my wrap

(M ninjas off and loud crashing sounds are heard)

THE END

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


	7. Chapter 7

The play in which you will defiantly need your ear plugs

Cast (in order of appearance)

M=Marita

E=Edward Cullen

C=Charlotte

G=God

S=Simon Cowell

L=Louis Walsh

C.H= Cheryl Cole

D.A= Danni Monogue

T= Terminator

A=Announcer

Scene 1- Arguments... more of them?

(**M, C** and** E** are watching X Factor)

**M:** (laughing) That person was rubbish! Even Eddie could beat that!

**E:** Yeah I could and I'd win!

**C:** You wouldn't win... but I would.

**M:** No obviously I would win.

**G:** (mysterious voice from nowhere) Maybe you should audition...

**E:** Why didn't I think of that?

**G:** 'Cause you're stupid.

**E:** Shut up, I'm not stupid... 1+1=5... doesn't it?

**M:** No it equals 3!

**C:** Guys, you're so stupid, you should've gone to magic school! 1+1=2.

**M, E and G:** Does it? (incredulous and amazed looks)

**E:** How do you know?

**M:** You said...

**G:** Wrong sort of know.

**E:** Anyway, how do you _ that?

**C:** Duh, I'm not stupid

**M:** *coughs* yeah, right *coughs*

**E:** Anyway... let's get an application form for X Factor to see who REALLY is the best.

**C:** Well, of course it's me!

**M:** No, it's me!

**E:** C'mon, we all know it's me!

**G:** God, not this again... damn it... I'm damning myself!

(lights fade)

End of Scene

Scene 2- Eddie can't sing... its official

(**S, L, C.H** and **D.A** are sitting at desk)

**S:** No, no, no! That was rubbish. I could say worse but we're running a tight schedule here so get out!

**L:** Next

(**M **and** C** walk on)

**C.H:** What are your names?

**M:** I'm Marita

**C:** I'm Charlotte

**M and C:** And together we are... Marita and Charlotte.

**S:** (under his breath) How imaginative of you.

**D.A:** So whenever you are ready, begin

**C:** We won't be using music...

**M:** We're just that awesome.

_Song - (sung by Marita and Charlotte) 'Spoof Song' by Marita and Charlotte (to the tune of 'Always like this' by The Bombay Bicycle Club):_

**_M and C:_**_ Oh we can't wait for,_

_ Spoof number 100,_

_ Randomness, Lucozade,_

_ And lots of Oreos,_

_ We've got Eddie, Marita,_

_ And Charlotte,_

_ Everyone knows it,_

_ Eddie can't sing it_

**E:** (off stage) Hey!

**_M and C:_**_ Spoof number 1,_

_ Was very random,_

_Then came Spoof 2,_

_It was short but we loved it,_

_Then came the 3rd,_

_It picked up the pace again,_

_Then it was 5,_

_And the midget told awesome jokes._

**C:** Are you sure?

**M:** We missed out number 4!

**_M and C:_**_ I'm not Eddie,_

_ I'm not Eddie,_

_ He's weird and he dyes his hair._

_ x3_

_I'm not Eddie,_

_I'm not Eddie,_

_He's weird and he dyes his hair__

_And I'm not Eddie_

_When Jackie came along,_

_And tried to kick out butts,_

_The Midget jumped up,_

_And kicked him in the face,_

_The silly Machine Gun,_

_It killed us all and ten,_

_The midget shot herself,_

_And the Terminator was back again._

**T:** I'll be back

**_M and C:_**_ I'm, not Eddie_

_ I'm not Eddie_

_ He's weird and he dyes his hair_

_ x3_

_I'm not Eddie,_

_I'm not Eddie,_

_He's weird and he dyes his hair__

_And I'm not Eddie._

(Judges staring in awe after song has ended)

**S:** Do you really think you should have spoken through out the song?

**M and C:** Erm... yep

(**S** sighs)

**C.H:** I thought it was great, I could so see you up on the big stage. What did you think Danni?

**D.A:** It was... er... different.

**M and C:** So you loved it?

**S:** Ha, no, off you go

(Backstage)

(Tea is being served)

**C:** (spots tea) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

**M:** Sure (goes into daydream mode) if you're thinking about sheep and chocolate and sheep and marshmallows and sheep and Kipper the dog and...

**C:** Sheep by any chance?

**M:** No, cows!

**C:** (hits **M** around the head) Anyway, we need a way of getting Cheryl, Louis and Danni out of the picture.

**M:** So we're going to spike their drinks?

**C:** Ah, we are _not_ going to spike their drinks *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*.

**M:** So we aren't going to spike their drinks?

**C:** Yeah, we are.

**M:** But you just said...

**C:** Shut up and follow me.

5 minutes later...

**C:** That should be going into effect around (looks at watch)... now.

(lots of noises and people running past)

**C:** Oh yeah, high 5!

**M:** For what?

**C:** Just do it.

**A:** Any free judges? Desperately needed!

**M and C:** We're free

**M:** All day. All night, all week, all month, all year... we've basically got way too much free time.

**S:** (sees **M** and **C**) Oh my god! Anyone but you!

**M:** We could always get Wagner...

**S:** NO! Stay!

**C:** Next

**S:** I do the 'nexts' around here

**C:** Take a chill pill,

**S:** Next

(**E** walks on)

**C:** I already know but what's your name?

**E:** Edward Cullen

**M:** Correction. Eddie Cullen

**E:** (sighs) Why are you two here?

**S:** We were desperate. But not enough to get Wagner.

**C:** So, what are you going to sing?

**M:** More like wail

**E:** (ignoring them) I shall sing 'They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard'.

**S:** Take it away... if you must.

_Song - (Sung by Eddie) 'They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard' - .com/watch?v=GzNjsB8AAdg&feature=related_

(**M and C** clapping)

**C:** We never thought you could be such a fail...

**M:** But you proved us wrong.

**S:** I hate to say it but I agree. Now go!

**M:** (brings out pot) Do you want to borrow Simon's anti-wrinkle cream?

**S:** Where did you get that? No one's ever gotten to me before, what methods do you use?

**M and C:** Methods of madness. Randomness, Lucozade and lots of Oreos.

**S:** Starting to think I should've... No, I shouldn't have got Wagner. That would be taking it too far.

(lights fade)

End of Scene

Scene 3- the Midget goes Nomming

**M:** I'm starting to get the hang of this judging thing.

**S:** It's only temporary until the others get back.

**M:** Oh yeah, that was-

**C:** (Kicks M under the desk) NOT us.

**All:** Next

(**E** walks on)

**S:** Not you again

**E:** I was here before?

**C:** Seems to be loosing his memory in his old age.

**M:** What are you going to sing?

**E:** I'm not sure yet...

**M and C:** We know!

_Song - (sung as a trio but E doesn't sing at all) 'Spoof song 2' by Marita and Charlotte (to the tune of Cape Cod Kwassa, Kwassa)_

**_M and C:_**_ As an old man,_

_ Edward Cullen,_

_ And the Spoof Kids,_

_ Or the Spoofians,_

_As a vampire,_

_With sparkly skin,_

_As a veggie,_

_Who sucks the blood,_

_Is your hair dyed?_

_Is the gel in?_

_Do you suck blood?_

_Like we know you do?_

_Like we know you do_?_

_This song is unnatural,_

_And Eddie is too,_

**E:** Hey!

**_M and C:_**_ This song is unnatural,_

_ And Eddie is too,_

**E:** That's not fair!

**_M and C:_**_ He's a fish boy,_

_And he likes fish,_

_But we don't know,_

_If he's tried it,_

_Is your hair dyed?_

_Is the gel in?_

_Do you suck blood?_

_Like we know you do?_

_Like we know you do_?_

_This song is unnatural,_

_And Eddie is too,_

**E:** Seriously guys!

**_M and C:_**_ This song is unnatural,_

_ And Eddie is too,_

**E:** I'm warning you!

**_M and C:_**_ Is your hair dyed?_

_ Is the gel in?_

_ Do you suck blood?_

_ Like we know you do?_

_Like we know you do_?_

(on stage the trio wait expectantly)

(**S** is speechless)

**M:** We rendered Simon Crabbs speechless

**S:** Crabbs?

**C:** Long story... Spongebob... Mr Crabbs likes money...

**E:** Did you like it?

**M:** You don't count! You sung nothing!

**E:** What you gonna do about it, Midget? Bite my ankles?

**M:** Yeah!

(**M** noms **E's** ankles. **E** screams like a girl and **E **runs off with **M** holding on by her teeth to **E's**ankle.)

The End

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


	8. Chapter 8

The Play in Which We Meet Mythical People

Cast (in order of appearance)

M= Marita

E= Edward Cullen

C= Charlotte

A= Arthur Pendragon

M.E= Merlin

G= God

V= Voldermort

H.P= Harry Potter

Scene 1- Oh my god! It's... *faints*

(**E** comes on with **M** and **C** following. **E** is limping)

**E:** Look, Marita, I know...

**M:** (gasp) You said...

**C:** Wrong sort of know!

**E:** (sighs) you like to nom things. But, seriously, vampire venom doesn't taste nice!

**M:** But fairy venom does

(**E** slumps in a heap on the floor)

**E:** (praying) Why? Why did I get stuck with THEM? What did I do?

**G:** Live

**M and C:** Ooh BURN! (failed whip lash sounds)

(Post arrives)

**E:** Marita get the post

**M:** Make Charlotte get it

**E:** Charlotte, get the post

**C:** Marita, nom Eddie

**M:** Nom, nom

**E:** Ok, ok, I'm going

(**E** comes back with post)

**E:** We've got acceptance letters for... 'Pigwarts'?

**C:** Don't you mean 'Hogwarts'?

**E:** No!

**M:** You said NO! Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! ... Is it the right sort of no?

**E:** (ignoring **M**) It says 'Pigwarts'

**C:** Damn, I knew those internet application forms were rubbish

**E:** Ha, Ha. You fail!

**M and C:** Ha, ha. Your face is a fail!

**G:** Burn!

**M, E and C:** (look up) Fail

**G:** I was just trying to get in the mood

**M:** Let's go. Eddie, here's a map and... no, just a map

**C:** Take us there

**E:** Why should I?

**C:** Marita's nom is always on stand-by

**E:** Ok, ok!

At Pigwarts...

(**M**, **E** and **C** are all looking at the motto)

**M:** Midgets,

**C:** Witches,

**E:** And fairy boys... WHAT?

**M and C:** Are all welcome?

**C:** I like it, I like it a lot

**M:** Compared to how much I like it, you haaaaaaate it!

**E:** I just generally hate it. Let's get going

Inside Pigwarts...

(**M.E** and **A** walk past)

**M and C:** Oh my god! It's... (faints)

(**M.E** and **A** look down and then back up at each other)

**M.E:** Do we know...

**M:** (sits up) you said...

**C:** (sits up too) wrong sort of know

(Both go back to fainting)

**M.E:** Do we know them?

**A:** No, just more of my fans

**M.E:** I'm sure one of them was _my_ fan

(**M** and **C** sit up)

**M and C:** Why did _you_ faint?

**C:** It's Merlin, the greatest wizard of all time...

**V:** (sits head around side of stage) Apart from me!

**C:** Well, yes, apart from you - the anagram nerd, megalomaniac with Daddy issues

(**V** looks insulted and goes away)

**C:** So how come you fainted?

**M:** It's Arthur... (faint)

**A:** I told you

Eddie in the corner...

**E:** (sulking) I don't need them. They can manage without me so I can manage without them...

(**E** goes depressed)

_Song - 'When You're Gone' by Avril Lavigne_

**E:** Who am I trying to fool? I miss the attention! I miss Charlotte's witchyness and Marita's Nom!

**M:** Did someone say nom?

**E:** Oh 'great'

**C:** I know it is!

**E:** What? You're both here?

**M:** Yeah, and we brought Arthur and Merlin along too

(**E** bangs his head on the wall)

(lights fade)

End of Scene

Scene 2- Library and Lessons

In the library at lunch...

**E:** That was pointless!

**M and C:** (in a know-it-all voice) You clearly don't know anything about magic

**E:** Well, I don't care!

**M and C:** (sighs) So...

20 minutes later...

(**E** looks utterly bored)

**M:** And that's why...

**C:** Only Arthur could pull the sword from the stone

**E:** What about transfiguring people's faces?

20 minutes later... (again)

**C:** And that's why...

**M:** We can't change your face...

**C:** Otherwise we would've done it...

**M:** A long time ago

(**E** leans against a bookcase... it falls over and a book lands on his head)

**E:** Ouch!

**M:** We all know it didn't hurt

**E:** (looks at book) The Vampire Hunter's Guidebook... by Marita Lanceley and Charlotte Dyke?

(**M** and **C** look too innocent)

**C:** It must be some other Marita and Charlotte...

(**E** flips open book to a random page and starts reading)

**E:** References... blah, blah, blah... What? Twilight does not count? (faints)

(**M** and **C** look down at **E**)

**C:** He fainted...

**M:** ... BUNDLE!

(**M** and **C** jump on **E** but he moves)

**M:** C'mon Eddie

**C:** You 're no fun

**E:** I like to keep my arms intact, thank you very much

(School bell rings)

**M.E:** Come on kids

**E:** I'm 109

**M and C:** (laugh) You old!

**M.E:** Question 1 - what is the force pulling us towards the centre of the earth? A) Gravity or B) Magic

**M, C and A:** Magic!

**E:** (up himself) Gravity

**M.E:** Well done girls

**A:** And me!

**M.E:** (as an after thought) ... and Arthur

**M, C, A and M.E:** (at **E**) You fail!

**E:** Magic, bah! Next thing you know, they'll be saying pigs can fly

(Out the window, a pig flies past with a student running behind levitating it)

**E:** (grumbling) It's a conspiracy

**C:** Don't mind him...

**M:** He's a fairy boy

**M.E:** So, do you know the charm depulso?

**C:** Only that it needs to be performed on an unwilling recipient

**M:** Hum... Arthur, Eddie, here, now!

**E and A:** What?

**M.E:** Accio first...

(**A** flies towards him)

**M.E:** Then depulso

(**A** zooms backwards, girly screaming, hitting the wall)

**M and C:** Accio!

(**E** zooms forward)

**M and C:** (seeing his face) Arghhhhhhh! Depulso!

(**E** zooms back, hitting the wall and ending up in a heap on the floor next to **A**)

**M.E:** Do you think we hurt them?

(**E** and **A** walk over)

**M and C:** Nah... depulso

(**E** and **A** hit the wall... again)

**A:** What sort of things do you learn at your normal school?

**M and C:** I feel a song coming on...

**E:** I don't

_Song - (sung by Marita and Charlotte) 'Plate Boundaries' by Marita and Charlotte (to the tune of 'Fireflies' by OwlCity)_

**_Verse 1:_**

Y_ou would not believe your eyes,_

_If a volcano did arise,_

_In the mid-atlantic ridge,_

_A constructive plate boundary,_

_2 plates moving apart,_

_Then magma rises up to fill the gap_

**_Chorus:_**

_I__'d like to make myself believe,_

_That earthquakes shake ground quickly,_

_Magma rises up and covers all the villages,_

_And ash fills the air around me_

**_Verse 2:_**

_A destructive plate boundary,_

_Changes the world around me,_

_As the mantle melts the oceanic crust,_

_The crust turns into magma,_

_And sometimes rises up,_

_Causing a volcano to erupt_

**_Chorus_**

_When the plates move_

**_Bridge:_**

_A conservative plate moving_

_(2 plates moving side by side)_

_Moving at different speeds_

_(2 plates moving side by side)_

_When they get stuck when moving apart_

_(2 plates moving side by side)_

_An earthquake starts to occur_

**_Verse 3:_**

_Next is collison plates_

_Of the same density_

_Moving together (together)_

_Sediment gets stuck in the middle_

_Fold mountains are formed_

_An example of this, the Himalayas (ayas, ayas)_

**_Chorus_**

**M.E and A:** Bravo, bravo! En core!

**E:** No!

**M:** You said...

E: Yes, I know I did!

**M and C:** (gasp!)

**M.E:** Wrong sort of no

**M and C:** You said no! Arghhh! We said no! That's 2 no's! That's 3!

(lights fade)

End of Scene 2

Scene 3- The Midget gets Hold of a Wand

**M:** Hey Eddie!

**E:** What?

**C:** Hey Eddie!

**E:** What?

**M:** Hey, hey, hey Eddie!

**E:** What?

**M and C:** You look dead

**M:** And you've got Ed-zac-ary disease

**E:** I've got what?

**M:** Well, I knew a lady with Edzacary disease too. She went to the doctor's and he called her in. He looked at her and said "I need you to crawl from this wall to that and then back again please".

The lady did as the Doctor instructed. When she got back she stood up.

"Ah, I think I know what the problem is." The Doctor said.

"Tell me!" The lady demanded

"Well, you've got Edzacary disease. It is a condition where your bum is edzacary the same as your face."

(**M** and **C** fall into fits of laughing at the joke)

**E:** I see how it is!

(**E** storms away, tripping up a student that looks suspiciously like Harry Potter...)

**H.P:** Argh! (falls over and drops wand)

**M:** (catching wand) Oooo

**C:** RUUUUUN!

**A:** What?

**C:** The midget's got a wand!

**A:** RUUUUUUUN!

(Everyone runs away, apart from **E** who is sulking in the corner again)

**M:** What was that spell? Oh yeah... INCENDIO!

(Fire erupts from the wand. **M** spins around and she sets everything of fire)

**E:** (bum on fire) Arghhhhhhh! Flames of death, going to kill me!

I'm a vampire, it'll kill me!

**M and C:** (cough) Fairy Boy

**E:** This isn't the time for jokes!

**M and C:** It wasn't a joke

**E:** It's going to burn me! Burn, burn, burn!

M: (realisation dawning) Disco!

_Song- Disco Inferno by The Trammps_

**C:** (snatching wand) Now, here's a little spell that is a little bit wet... Aqua Erupto!

(Everone gets wet. **E** in particular is drenched. He looks like a drowned rat... no, a drowned fairy boy)

(**C** starts celebrating and drops wand)

**M:** (picks it up again) Oooo... Accio!

(**M** goes ultra powerful and everyone files towards her)

**M:** DEPULSO!

(Everyone files away)

(All the others, including **H.P** and **V**, end up in a big heap on the floor. They look particularly annoyed with the turn of events)

**M:** (pause)... BUNDLE!

THE END

*clap, clap* *woop, woop*


	9. Chapter 9

The play in which Eddie gets kicked out, cats have opposable thumbs and dogs start walking... on two legs

Cast (in order of appearence)

M: Marita

C: Charlotte

E: Edward Cullen

D: The Doctor (10th)

J: Jacob Black

D.I: Director

G: George Weasley

F: Fred Weasley

Scene 1 – Eddie gets stuck in a dustbin… don't ask us how

(M and C are walking along, looking completely innocent… but of course they're not)

M: What evil, dastardly plot have you conjured for us today… it's like Pinky and The Brain isn't it?

_Song – Pinky and the Brain – from the 'well-known' TV show_

C: Well, we need paintbrushes, 12 jammy dodgers and a fez…

M: And Eddie. Speaking of Eddie, I don't hear any sarcasm

C: Or no-ing!

M: You said-!

C: Oh shut up!

M: You're becoming like Eddie

C: Not this again.

(Lots of racket and loud noise. A dust bin comes rolling down the hill towards M and C. They try to jump over it. C manages but M is too short and ends up running on top of it yelling! The dust bin crashes and M ends up sitting on top.)

M: Whoa? What just happens?

E: (from inside dustbin) Let me out!

M: Huh? EDDIE! The dust bin ate Eddie!

E: No, it-

M: (not listening) Don't worry Eddie I'll save you!

E: Seriously-

M: Charlotte, do something! Don't worry buddy, I got ya!

E: (sticks head out of the dustbin) MARITA!

M: What? I'm trying to help yo-… oh you're not stuck are you?

E: NO! Now let me explain…

C: If you'd just asked me, I could've told you. But no… no one ever listens to me

M: Did you hear something?

E: (thinks) No. Anyway… the director doesn't pay us and I got kicked out of my own home.

(E looks very sorry for himself)

C: So you're homeless…

M: (laugh) Haha, HOBO!

E: (upset) I'm not a HOBO!

C: So you're a HOMO?

E: NO!

M: Thou doth protest too much…

E: You don't even know what that means!

M: (shrugs) Sounds good though

(E starts looking for his dustbin lid and he's trying to hid from M and C)

E: Do you know where my lid is?

M and C: (shifty eyes) No…

E: Where is it?

C: Why do you always think it's us?

E: Because it is more likely that the titanic will fly down from the sky than it no be you.

D: (sticks head out) That did happen you know. If you watch my Christmas episode with Kylie, you will see out amazing acting skills and flying titanics

E: (grumbles) It was special effects

C: All we need is special effects… alright, alright, I transfigured it into a fez

(E looks around. M is wearing a fez)

E: YOU TOOK MY DUST BIN FEZ!... Lid… thing

J: (pops head round side of stage) I thought I was the thing!

(E runs at M trying to grab the fez M summersaults out of the way and E crashes into the wall.)

C: Wow (goes to hug M)

M: No hugs! (C hugs M) Too late

(C feels strings attached to M)

C: Marita?

M: Yes?

C: What are these strings?

M: Shussssssss, don't tell Eddie

E: Don't tell me what?

M and C: Nothing…

E: Tell me

C: What if we don't want to? You have your secrets, we have ours

E: My secrets? Like what?

C: Your relationship with Carlisle

E: I don't have a relationship with Carlisle!

M: Your one with Jacob then

E: I don't with Jacob either!

C: Oh, so you broke up with them?

E: No!

M: Oh! So your still with them but you're cheating?

E: No!

M and C: So they know about it and they're ok with it? This is like Eastenders.

(J looks shocked)

*Ding noise*

D: That'd be my popcorn.

(All stare at him)

D: What? I was enjoying it. It's like watching a particularly bad, I mean, good movie

(E goes and cries in corner)

M: Y'know? The only difference between us and Eastenders is that we're not Chavs

(Gangsta walks on stage)

C: Excuse me Mr Gangsta Man sir?

M: Your pants are falling down

(lights fade)

End Scene 1

Scene 2 – Paintbrushes, 12 jammy dodgers, a fez… and Eddie

C: Back to my evil dastardly plot

E: What plot? (looks for an escape route) Pst, Marita, is there a way out of here?

(M looks around)

M: You could go to Pigfarts

D.I: Don't you mean Pigwarts?

M: Es-Ca-Pay… that's funny. It looks just like the word escape

C: Shut up!

(E isn't listening)

E: What?

C: We were just discussing your part in the plot

M: We were?

(C slaps M around the head)

E: (alarmed) My part?

C: (mysteriously) You'll find out… *sneeze* (ruins effect)

(E laughs)

M: Shut it Fairy Boy

(E stops laughing and glares)

C: Once we have those Jammy dodgers…

(C's voice fades into the back ground. The camera focuses on M and E's glaring match)

(E blinks)

M: HA! I win! (Victory dance)

E: I wasn't playing

M: Sure, sure

C: (realising what happened) Guys, were you even listening?

E: NO!

M: You said-

E: Oh shut up

C: I'm getting Déjà Vu

M: Déjà who?

C: No, Déjà vu

M: Dave ja vu? That's a TV channel. What are we watching?

C: We're not watching anything! I. Said. Déjà. Vu!

M: Oh, that's… that… that… JAMMY DODGERS!

E: (eyes go black in hunting mode) WHERE?

M: I was messing with you!

(M and C walk off together)

C: Look, here really are some jammy dodgers

M: I know! I was being particularly clever this fine morning.

C: What have you done with my friend?

M: I'm right here!

C: Humm… what's 1 + 1?

M: Window (answers like it's the most obvious thing in the world)

C: Good, it's you. How did you learn those words?

M: I used my inita… initati…

C: Initiative?

M: Yeah, that one

C: Do you even know what that means?

M: I did… but my brain erased it from my imaginary dictionary

(C sighs)

(M and C turn. E has ½ a jammy dodger in his mouth with a shocked look at being caught on his face. Crumbs are everywhere)

M and C: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(M and C spray his with water)

E: (looks down at water) What is this strange substance? It's like… like water

M and C: Never

E: I'm melting!

M and C: You're not the Wicked Witch of the West

End scene

Scene 3 – The Midget Goes Chicken

(M and C are staring at E while he makes Chicken noises)

E: What *chicken noise* did *chicken noise* you *chicken noise* do *chicken noise* to *chicken noise* me?

(M and C collapse laughing)

E: Where *chicken noise* did you *chicken noise* get them?

M: Fred and George Weasley of course

C: We were clever and didn't eat them

(C and E turn. M is caught eating a jammy dodger)

M: (innocent grin) What?

C: You douche

M: *lots of Chicken noise*

C: Why do I always sort _everything_ out?

M: You're *chicken noise* becoming like *chicken noise* Eddie *chicken noise* again

E: (indignant) *chicken noise!*

C: (sighs) Bare with… bare with… (phones F and G) Hey guys, I need a hand

(F and G walk on holding mirrors)

E: That was *chicken noise* quick!

F and G: Apperation

M: You can apper-*chicken noise*-thingy too? *Chicken noise!*

F and G: Ah… (looks in mirrors) We're identical!

C: Yes, it's a mirror. Now can you…

F: I think out

G: Twins are

F: Stuck in

G: The mirrors

F and G: Must help twins!

(F and G run off)

C: Thanks for the _help_ guys. Really appreciate it.

M: *chicken noise* Charlotte *chicken noise* want a jammy dodger?

C: Why thank you… (takes bite and realises what she's done) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO*chicken noise* OOOOOOOOOOOOO *chicken noise* OOOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOO

M: (loos around confused and shrugs) NOOOOOOOOOO *chicken noise* OOOOOOOOOOOO… What are we no-ing about?

C: We're becoming like Eddie

E: (another indignant) *chicken noise*

(Suddenly, E turns into a dog)

J: (comes onto stage) Ha, now _you're_ nothing but a dog

E: *chicken noise-woof*

(M turns. C is a cat)

M: I wanna get turned into something! *puff of smoke* What did I turn into? Damn, I'm still a midget

J: I think you slightly shorter

M: Don't say anything. I have a nom and I'm not afraid to use it.

(E looks scared and J runs away in fright)

M: Hum… (looks at hands and turns to Charlotte the Cat)… I've got opposable thumbs! Ner, ner, n-ner, ner!

(C holds up thumbs and wiggles them, proving they are opposable)

M: GRRRRRRRR

E: *failed chicken noise-woof laugh*

M: Yeah, well… you can't walk on two legs! NER!

(E drunkenly stands up and walks over to M)

M: Oh shut up!

(E falls on top of her)

M: ARGHHHHHH *chicken noise* HHHHHHH. Fred, George! HELP! *chicken noise*

(F and G turn up laughing)

F: We finally

G: Pranked the

F and G: Spoofians!

(M, C and E creep up behind them)

C: *chicken noise-meow-thing*

E: *chicken noise-woof-thing*

M: BUNDLE!

The End

*clap, clap*

*woop, woop*


End file.
